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Patience

The beauty of the journey of personal development is that it’s unending. There is always something new to learn, always something to tweak.
As I journaled this morning, I realized that I need to work some more on my patience. I’m naturally passionate and eager, I love to make stuff happen, which are qualities I’m very proud of. Those character traits can also feed an impatient intention that is then counterproductive.

I went back to partner dancing in March of 2015 with one goal in mind: tango. As usual, I eventually got what I wanted, and then some. I wasn’t planning at the time to do it professionally but life has some invitations one simply doesn’t refuse. And I’m so glad I went with it.
In the process of becoming a dancer, an assistant teacher and a performer, I experienced the agitation, frustration and fears of not performing at the level I desired. I believe in excellence and delivering at a high level. I tend to forget that skills do require time to develop.
I compared myself (bad idea) to other dancers and my dance partner. I beat myself down regularly and experienced stress and fear due to it.
At the same time, I reminded myself of how much I had learnt in a short period of time, how fast I was learning,  and how dedicated and committed I was. that struggle took place for many months. I fluctuated from proud to ashamed, from satisfaction to frustration. As a cherry on the cake, I also projected those insecurities on my dance partner (sorry about that Darling). I’m delighted to report that after some work, and the help of my coach, I’m at a more comfortable level now. Although I’m fully aware of all the great work I have in front of me to become the dancer I want to be, I now go through the motion with faith and more patience. I know what I want, I know how to get there, it’s going to happen, eventually, period.

What I realized this morning is another area I need to practice patience in. Because I applied the process successfully with dancing, I can apply that process to other areas of my life. And I know I will be successful in those areas too, in time.
Patience is one element of the foundation of our dance teaching, right next to kindness.
We need to be patient, with ourselves and others. We must remember that we do our best, all the time, everyday. Growth takes time!

Reach for the greatest version of yourself!

Paola
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The Hurt

I have been requested to talk about individuals that are aware they are a source of pain to others but don’t seem to care about the consequences of their actions. The question I received was specifically about students, however, I believe it applies to everyone.

I would like us to agree on one thing first for the following to make sense. If you don’t agree with the next statement, stop reading, this may be a waste of your time. I would like us to agree that individuals seldom, ever, want to hurt people in purpose. There is no right or wrong, there is no faults, there are only unmet needs. This can be a very difficult idea, especially considering most of us have been brought up in the fear of punishments rather than the motivation to do good to others. For example, we typically avoid speeding not because we want to be safe, rather because we don’t want a speeding ticket.

When someone is confronted with the fact their action resulted in a negative outcome several things can happen: they fear punishment, they feel shame, they feel threatened, and may retrieve. The  biological response is the desire to protect oneself: we fight, we flee, or we freeze. This can result in an additional negative impact on individuals and our environment. How many times have we done something that resulted in a negative outcome? How many times have we hurt people’s feelings in our lives, and we were unaware we did it? Does that make us cruel individuals? Of course not. We were not aware, or we were distracted, or we didn’t know that the person in front of us had been triggered. Nobody’s perfect. We can only learn from our history and try not to duplicate negative experiences. We’re all doing our best, everyday.

Secondly, how the event was pointed out to us had a lot to do with our follow up response. Shaming and blaming are counter productive, period. I believe that by shaming and blaming someone for their action, we’re creating the hurt we want to avoid in the first place.
My dance partner and I have dedicated a lot of our growth in understanding and applying non-violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg, and studying Brene Brown’s research about shame and compassion. This exploration resulted in the method we apply in our dance classes to create a safe environment for all. By appreciating that there is an unmet need, and by responding to it in a compassionate way, we can discover why a person reacts the way they do. We can have a dialogue, we can create a connection.

One thing I’d like to point out: men in our culture may especially react in a disconnecting fashion when being pointed out counter productive behavior. It’s not because men care less than women, it’s because they’re often raised to showcase strength and force, not vulnerability and kindness. This is an unfortunate cultural issue we’re dealing with. I highly encourage you to watch ” The mask we live in” or follow their Facebook page of the same name to learn more about it.
Let’s be clear on one thing: this is not an easy-as-pie process. A lot of things get in the mix: education, personality, chemical balances, cultural and socioeconomic pressures, history, environment, etc.. That’s why I find it important to keep in mind unmet needs rather than cruelty. How we approach the situation in a compassionate and curious attitude can be a game changer in modeling what we are looking for. We can be the change we want to see by educating ourselves and modeling the behavior we are seeking in others. Keep Learning!

Reach for the greatest version of yourself!
Paola
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Next!

There is an upside and a downside to becoming aware, we’ll talk about the downside today: we become aware of the consequences of our actions. Why is it a downside? Become we need to own our decisions too, which is not always easy.

As long as we are unaware and we just react to what’s happening in life, we can be dismissive, we justify our actions conveniently and we disregard consequences. Becoming aware includes facing up. We’re no longer hiding behind our ego, which can be hard. We then know that the tough conversations do have to take place. We do want to live up to our full potential as a human being and we don’t want to regress. We’ve come that far after all, and going back is more painful than being there in the first place.

What I find really relevant in the state of awareness is when to call “Next”.
I’ve become in the last few years a dedicated networker. I’m all the more dedicated considering I’m a hard core introvert and I taught myself to network. Mingling requires energy and focus for me. I’ve worked hard at developing those skills and I’m all the more excited to use them often and successfully. I learnt to call “Next” after hours wasted listening to individuals showing up for themselves, meetings without the structure I was looking for or a group whose values, or food service, didn’t resonate with me. Regardless of the prestige or potential gain, I learnt to call “Next” to keep serving my authentic self, and therefore, offering to others the best version of myself at that time.
As I mentioned above, I have to own that too. I learnt to share why I no longer do business with some individuals, why I left the party, or the group, or how I felt about the food being served. And I did it in the most kind, non-judgemental and helpful way I knew at the time. That’s a lot of flipping work! And it’s so worth it!

Result? I’m the Queen of time management. I feel surrounded by love and appreciation, most, everywhere I go. And I can truly say that I’m living my purpose. I didn’t even used to give a crap about purpose 5 years ago. Comes to show anything is possible, if we reach for the stars instead of the gutter. That’s the upside of awareness: knowing anything is possible 🙂

Reach for the greatest version of yourself!

Paola
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The Exercise of Gratitude

I mentioned a few weeks ago the difference between conveying gratitude and actually experiencing it. I still stand by that, however, I’m witnessing that many individuals right now are struggling with just finding any gratitude at all. These times are hard and the overall consciousness is gearing more towards negativity, fear and stress than positivity, faith and peace.

Experiencing gratitude has more impact on our life than just having a pleasant moment or enjoyable time with friends. Gratitude is the very foundation for connection and happiness. If we don’t find something to be appreciative for in our life, we’re disconnecting from it. I strongly invite you to stay connected, that’s so important!

What to do if you have a hard time with gratitude right now? Start small.

We all need something to believe in, right? What do you hold as absolute truth in your life that you can be grateful for? It can  be anything. It can be coffee, seriously, start with the fundamentals. Allow yourself to hold for true that coffee is always there for you, it always helps you and you can be grateful for coffee. The point is not coffee, or chocolate, or your best friend. The point is the exercise and the attitude, the approach and the practice. The thought process involved in being grateful for coffee is the same than being grateful for our job, the people in our lives and even the political climate. Gratitude can be found everywhere, it’s harder to find in some areas than in others, that’s all.

There are some things in life we stop doing, for one reason or another, and we go back to doing again at a later date. Like bicycling for example, the body doesn’t forget. Gratitude works the same way. We all know how to be grateful, sometimes we stop, for one reason or another, and we can get back on that bicycle just the same. It will take a little practice and awareness at first, I know you can do it though.

Reach for the greatest version of yourself!

Paola
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Going at it alone?

One of the greatest act of courage in my opinion is not to find the strength to do it all, being independent or self sufficient. One of the greatest act of courage is to ask for help.Being courageous to me is knowing oneself, our strength and limitations, while finding the collaborators to bridge the gap to get to where we want to be.

Nothing in our world is self sufficient, everything is connecting and interacting with many other organisms and modalities. The cycle of life of plants are a perfect undeniable example: they need water and sunshine, and then birds and bees to populate. It’s team work.

How wonderful would it be to let ourselves go to the undeniable fact that we need others to survive, to grow, to complete our destiny, to fully live our story. We need many mirrors in our lives to reflect who we are, who we deny ourselves to be. On many occasions, we deny our heart to beat at its own rhythm, we deny the very fiber of our being to unravel into our authentic self. We tame our wildest dreams for fear to be ridiculed or end up alone.

I could blame our culture for it, I really think it’s just part of the human condition. We are gifted with free will and with so many opportunities, by our very nature, that the torture of becoming is the source of the most joy.

Some of us torture ourselves more than others. Some of us just go dormant and miss the show all together.

I always say: the heart never lies. Your head will tell you stories, your ego will distract you, but your heart will never lie to you. We don’t always want to listen, that’s all.

The word courage comes from the french word “coeur” which means “heart”. I invite you to listen to your heart as much as you can. That is the way, that is the only way to live your authentic story. Many people will come along the way to help you listen to your heart, to help your heart beat stronger and faster. We don’t go at it alone, and the story is not over until the last heartbeat.

Be courageous Darlings, for this is in you, it is your nature, it is yours to be and have.

Reach for the greatest version of yourself.

Paola.

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Are you getting in your own way?

I often receive feedback from individuals that are surprised to find out how much of an insomniac, pill popping, wine bingeing, stressed out, unhappy mess I used to be. I’ve come a long way, which is why I’m dedicating my time to inspire others to know they can get themselves out of any mess.

I wish for more individuals to feel confident to improve their life, wherever they’re at.

For me, it was a big change that required a lot of work, and I keep working on myself growing, that’s the fun part. I think the scary part for some is to look at the whole staircase when all you really need is to look at the first step. I didn’t improve in all areas of my life at once, I focused on one item at a time. And I got out of my own way 🙂

A few things will keep you from improving and growing, looking at the whole staircase instead of the first step to take is one of them.

Another is the company you keep. You’ve heard it before and you’ll keep hearing it: you are the average of the 5 individuals you spend the most time with. The reason why we keep hearing it is because it has proven to be true, over and over, in personal and professional life. Who do you talk to the most, who do you listen to, who do you spend time with? I’m bringing this up first because that will be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do: walking away from somebody because you find out their influence has a negative impact on your life. Stay around such individuals and you are in self sabotage, pure and simple. Be strong and strategic, you can do it, your future self will thank you.

One more way to get in your own way is to say “yes”. As much as I personally love to hear the word (it’s a positive one right!?) that word can get you in more trouble and counterproductive situations than any other. I urge you to learn to say NO as much and as often as possible. You can always change your mind and say yes later. Being agreeable, wanting to make yourself available and present are great intentions. Your friends and colleagues will appreciate it of course. I invite you to make sure you say “yes” because you’re serving your purpose and not flattering your ego. Do you want to feel appreciated, wanted, relevant? Those are honorable needs. How you get there is more important as it will define your character and your results. Make sure the way you meet your needs is also in alignment with your purpose.

So which area of your life do you wish to improve today? Make a list of your top influencers or write down what you say “yes” to. Either of those techniques can help you make radical positive changes in your life, You can do it!

Reach out to the greatest version of yourself.

Paola.

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Are you still using a rotary phone?

I mentioned in last week’s post that if it’s not broken, don’t fix it. I stand by that.What if it’s outdated though?

I, unfortunately, often meet individuals that stopped growing, intellectually and emotionally, in their teenage years, and are now grown adults. The unfortunate part is not for the lack of enthusiasm and stimulation I feel in their presence, it’s for the fact that they’re missing out on a big part of their life.

Growing professionally and socially, having satisfying employment and a thriving family and social life, is important. It’s a great source of happiness that can’t be denied. I do believe there is so much more to be had. it may not be as obvious in our north American culture so a lot of individuals don’t get the memo. The white picket fence perfection doesn’t fit everybody.

One of my favorite questions a friend greets me with from time to time is “what have you learnt today?” I sometimes have to pause and think, other times I’ll have a very passionate answer.

It is undeniable that we change, everyday, little by little. Our changing self needs to be nourished in all areas of our life. Do you remember a growth spurt in your childhood when you found your shoes all of a sudden too small and you needed new ones? Your brain and your heart keep growing your whole life, buy them new shoes! Analogy put aside, feed your heart and mind new materials, more challenging thoughts, intricate relationships, interesting experiences. When was the last time you tried something new? Do you keep an awareness of your “first time”?

We live in the age of information, for better or for worse. We have access to all kinds of knowledge very easily and quickly. I invite you to take an inventory of your experiences and thoughts. Nurturing the inner child is valid, being stuck in time, like a rotary phone is, in my opinion, counterproductive.

Not sure what your next experience could be? Schedule a consultation with me today, I’m here to help.

Paola

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