Who are your friends?

It can be difficult to figure out who your friends, here’s a few pointers that make it easier for me to figure it out. I hope it helps you too.

1)Your friends hold space for you

This is #1 for me because this is precious! True friends hold space for us. They’ll listen to our crap for hours when we’re upset, they’ll reassure us when we need it, they’ll stop and focus on us, laser focus, and put their own crap on hold, for us.

It’s a hard thing to do, it’s rare, it’s precious. i invite to hold on tight to whomever in your life has that available for you, that stuff doesn’t grow on trees!2

2) Who’s prioritizing for you?

friends 2Do you remember that friend you used to drop everything for because you thought you had a great friendship but they didn’t do the same for you? Maybe they had something to do, somebody to see, something more important on their agenda. I’m not talking about dropping all responsibilities every time somebody needs salt, I’m talking about showing up for our friends. We all know how it feels when people show up for us and we all know how it feels when they don’t. It’s just a matter of being honest with ourselves about it, that’s the hard part.

We’ve all had at least one of those friendship. And it’s alright, things change, people change, it’s important to figure out when to cut our losses though. If there is a pattern of you showing up for somebody who doesn’t show up for you, it’s time to reevaluate where that person stands in your life. Life happens, martyrdom and abuse is optional.

3) Who’s talking smack behind your back? Or to your face?

True friends can be there for us in many ways. They sometimes tell us things we don’t want to hear because they care about us and they don’t want to see us hurt, disappointed or fall behind on our values. That’s what friends are for, they keep us honest, they help us grow into a better version of ourselves. The people that talk smack about you behind your back to others or put you down, to your face or otherwise, don’t have your best interest at heart. They may be all caught up in their own crap or simply don’t are about you that much. And that’s ok, as long as we know about it and connect accordingly. I invite you to keep close the friends that are ready to be on your side and show up for you, not use you as an emotional punching bag. It’s important to nurture balanced relationships.

cup4) True friendship is in the small things.

My roommate does the most powerful thing to me. She leaves a light on a night when I come home late. She did that from the get go when I moved in last year. Between my separation with them husband, moving, switching job and nurturing two business, I was hardly home. I left before sunrise and often came back close to midnight. Seeing that little light coming home meant the world to me. It meant that I was seen, expected, welcomed in that sacred space. True love is in the little daily things, it’s not always in the diamonds and expensiveΒ  vacations. Who are the people in your life that lead you feel seen and relevant?

Today I invite you to make a list of the people in your life you spend the most time with and how do they show up in your life. Invest in the ones that offer true friendship, cut back on the ones that don’t. By saving time on the ones that don’t, you’ll have more time, and joy, to dedicate to the ones that do. It’s basic human energy investment. Life is designed to be amazing, I encourage to spend as little time as possible with people that get in the way of that.

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Reach for the Greatest Version of Yourself!

Paola

 

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Why sexual harassment training doesn’t work, and what to do about it.

I believe that the Universe talks to us, all day everyday. We’re never alone, we’re always connected to something bigger than us. Some may call it a community, the language of the world, God, whatever fits you, we’re always connected.

I also believe that if something needs to come to our attention, it will come in the form of a poke, an allusion, a passing mention. If we don’t pay attention, it will become louder, heavier, more forceful. So I try to pay attention to the pokes, it saves time πŸ™‚

Business people walking together in the cityI was in a conversation lately with a business owner looking for sexual harassment training. I promised to make a few phone calls to connect that person to a professional. I also did some quick research on the subject. I’m curious that way.

I found out that sexual harassment training doesn’t work. How did that show? 88% of women still endure sexual harassment at work and 95% of them report that the male perpetrators went unpunished.Β According to the EEOC, $52.3 million dollars in damages were received from claims in sexual harassment in 2011. That’s millions of consequences from training that doesn’t work. That’s millions of evidences that the current training are ineffective. And that’s the tip of the iceberg. Most people do not report the harassment. Reported harassment don’t always come to a resolution or settlement. Fewer men report it than women. The numbers we have are not even representative of the truth. I’ll let you think about that for a moment…

Something needs to give, something needs to change!

That’s why I’m now offering sexual harassment and sensibility training that will address what’s missing: perspective taking and cultural understanding

Sexual harassment is in most cases about micro aggression and oblivious behavior. Yes, some harassing behaviors are obvious, others are not.

Yes, HR personnel goes through the training but how many of them are qualified or inspired to actually talk about harassment and hold space for both parties, the perpetrator and the recipient? That’s a lot of shame involved and most people don’t have the communication to talk about shame. Of all the training I went through in my corporate days, very little was dedicated to the subtleties of an hostile environment and the true harm of cultural expectations between genders, races or sexual orientations.

We need to bring knowledge, compassion and perspective taking to the work place. How can we expect people to learn about how to interact with one another by sitting in front of a screen for 1 hour? That’s not training, that’s a waste of time.

If you know a small to midsize company ready to actually invest in their employees well-being and dedicate a safe space for all, call me!Β My number is at the bottom of the page πŸ™‚

I want to talk to them and change the way we interact with one another in an accepting and compassionate way.

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Reach for the Greatest Version of Yourself!

Paola

 

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How to be powerful while being quiet

The universe is all about balance, right?

I know that last week I encouraged you to speak up, and I still do. Sometimes, being quiet, not saying anything, can be very powerful too.

I was setting up for dinner with a friend the other night after a long day of fun work. I had performed at the farmers market that morning on a chilly/sunny morning, followed by a Milonga in the Park that afternoon, one of my favorite tango social to host.

eatingBy dinner time, I was tired and Hangry (hunger turning into crankiness) I was aware of it so I made the conscious decision to speak as little as possible. I believe we are accountable for what we say, do, and give to the world. My goal is to be a source of joy, not pain and discomfort, therefore, when I’m hangry, I often get really quiet, to the benefit of the people around me. My friend knows that but he still checked in with me which is what friends do when there is a change in behavior. I reassured him and sure thing, after a few bites of my dinner and some wine, I was feeling like myself again and enjoying a wonderful conversation.

Another example when being quiet is more productive than speaking is in the venting-complaining-ranting department. I’m a true believer of venting, I think it’s good for you and your soul to let things out a bit, to release some emotional pressure and give back to the world what it gave to you. It’s best to vent to the right person, someone that can understand what you’re going through, that can hold space and maybe provide some validation, reassurance or understanding. Venting to just anyone may not be that productive.

angryComplaining is venting, twice. If you said it once chances are it was heard. If there is a need to say it again it may be that you didn’t receive the reaction you wanted. Saying it again may not help, saying it to someone else might which would be venting. Are you with me πŸ˜‰ Complaining is typically disconnecting or it’s fueling a negative dynamic with another complainer. We get what we put in so I invite you to contemplate if you complain and if so, who do you complain to? You might find yourself in a negative environment which will keep you from being successful.

Ranting is like complaining on steroids. It’s completely counterproductive, disconnecting and a waste of time. It takes time to rant, that’s time that could be used to serve life and your dreams, I’ll let that sink in. I know, I’m a recovering ranter.

I invite you to vent, strategically. I invite you to be quiet for anything beyond that.

Another opportunity to be quiet is when we are in scarcity or speculation mode. Scarcity is all about fear and we say things that are not relevant, accurate or even kind. If we can’t say something nice, let’s say nothing. If we’re scared, which is valid, let’s recognize it and say so. We can’t conquer our fears if we don’t know what they are. Speculating is also about fear and projecting what might happen. There is true power in recognizing what we can control and what we can’t. There is so much power in appreciating the moment and how we can influence the present rather than worrying about the future. We have the opportunity to be quiet and not spread that fear to others with mindless comments.

Again, it is valid to be scared, it’s not productive to assume and make a statement of it.

rain umbrellaFor example, if the weather is conditional upon a certain event to be successful, like our Milonga in the Park, and the projection is for 50% chance rain, when do we start talking about it and make projections? When it starts raining! When I see the rain then I’ll do something about it, there is nothing I can do about it before that. I may plan just in case it rains but that’s it. I invite you to embrace what you know for sure. It’s particularly difficult in a culture that is based on fear, projections and the illusion of control but I have faith in you. I know you can do it πŸ™‚

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Β  Β  Β  Β  Β Reach for the greatest version of yourself!

Paola

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Boundaries and sexual harassment

Anyone with somewhat of a presence on Facebook has seen the extent of the “#metoo” movement. I had a lovely conversation yesterday with a gentleman that reflected on all the times he may have been part of the problem and surely some times he saw a woman be mistreated and he didn’t speak up. It was a heartfelt confession and I’m grateful he felt safe telling me.

A lot of conversations went on this past week about the validity of such movement. Some people thought that there was a pressure for women, and men, to speak up about their abuse and harassment, some thought that men were being excluded from the conversation, some started to compare the level of pain and stigma per gender, some claimed their guilt, a lot of people opened up and expressed their pain. Another point of view I saw was the one of a woman demanding others to not victimize themselves, to stand in their power so they can recover from the trauma. I use the word “demanding’ very carefully and intentionally. I seldom think we can demand much of anyone really, especially not when it comes to processing painful experiences. I am a passionate supporter of inviting, modeling and being curious about others and that post wasn’t an invitation.

That campaign reopened a lot of wounds and teased people to ask themselves questions they didn’t dare to think about. At the end of the week, I see the conversation as a steady fire, burning strong, warming us up to others perspective. It’s no longer a spark or flame fighting in the patriarchal wind, this conversation, and the change with it, is here to stay.

What’s done is done, we can’t go back and rewrite hundreds of years of patriarchal culture and abuse. We can embrace the present and nurture each other and ourselves to the full extent of our ability. We can set new standards in place to build a future that is balanced, embracing and respectful. We can start today!

I spoke about boundaries before when it comes to time management and emotional productivity, it obviously would apply to sexual harassment as well. Do you think people would behave a certain way if they knew it was culturally forbidden and disconnecting?

We don’t have to speak up about our past to set ourselves up for a successful future. Setting boundaries is one of the easiest and most productive habit we can develop for ourselves. I invite you to contemplate an answer or action for each case scenario so that by the time it happens, you can be empowered and ready. Yes, it’s exhausting just thinking about it, I’m right there with you. Change is scary, and tiring, and we’ll loose friends in the process. And we don’t have to change if we’re comfortable with the Status Quo, but what if you’re not?

Business agreement deal at coffee shop

Imagine somebody making an advance to you at a job interview, what would you do?

Imagine somebody catcalling you on the street, what would you do?

Imagine your friend telling you they were touched in a way that felt like a violation, what would you say?

Imagine somebody touching you in a way that you feel slimed, what would you do?

Here’s a 3 step action:

  1. Observation
  2. Expression
  3. Request
  4. Reaffirmation, as needed

What does that look like in real life?

People have been touching my hair since I was a child, without my permission nor my request, they just helped themselves. Hair is a body part, it’s connected to my nervous system and I prefer people staying away from it especially if they are touching it to give themselves pleasure.Β A gentleman touched my hair a few months ago. I’ve known him for a while, he’s a nice man, I don’t have a single bad thing to say about him. He was behind me and he yanked my ponytail, in play, I assume, the way you would a 5 year old child. I turned around immediately, called him back to me in a room full of people and said: “Hello Darling, you pulled my hair, I don’t like it, I prefer you wouldn’t.” He looked at me completely stunned so I reaffirmed: “I prefer people don’t touch my hair, it’s a boundary issue for me.” He agreed and walked away, end of story.

That’s a scenario when you can have the opportunity for a conversation. I’m not a violent person but I do believe in self defense. I invite you to decide what line is not to be crossed for you with coworkers, friends and strangers. Set your boundaries and be ready to fight for them. It may look like a loosing fight right now but I promise you it’s changing. People won’t stay on the sideline any longer, women, and men, won’t be silent as much any more.

People that abuse were abused and/or find cultural validation in their action. We have the opportunity to offer compassion as well as to model the behavior we desire from others. We change the world one small action at a time, one small step at a time. And it will take time, but we can start today. Change comes when we speak up.

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Reach for the Greatest Version of Yourself

Paola

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How to Maximize your Happiness with Intention?

AustinTango180Last weekend was quite the Tango experience. We hosted amazing teachers from Buenos Aires to teach a workshop. We taught our classes Friday night, then Milonga, then workshop Saturday afternoon, then Milonga, then workshop Sunday afternoon, then farewell diner.

My business partner and I were fried by Monday morning!

That being said, we had set a very clear intention for that demanding event: we wanted to bring the teaching of those two experts to our students and friends. So each time we ran out of steam a bit, we had in mind why we were doing what we were doing. We had set a solid intention.

What I invite you to do, with pretty much everything you’re doing, is to set an intention. From time spent with friends to career and hobbies. What are you trying to accomplish?

This is really important because we want to be happy. Happiness can be easily destroyed by resentment or lack of accountability.

intentBy setting our intention before hand, we are better able to manage our emotions, our time and our area of tolerance. We are better equipped to enjoy ourselves and easily set boundaries. We can protect ourselves from toxic elements or over stretching ourselves.

The idea of pre-set intention may seem overwhelming itself, however, like anything else, whatever we do gets easier the more we do it. It’s not like we’re planning every second of our life, we just get better at making faster decisions about what is truly in alignment with our authentic self. This is where joy and happiness reside and this is what I want for you πŸ™‚

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Reach for the Greatest Version of Yourself

Paola

 

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What’s tolerable to you?

I’m not going to hold back on that one and give it to you straight: You get what you tolerate.

If we tolerate our friends being late and wasting our time, they’ll keep doing it.

If we tolerate our coworkers taking us for granted, they’ll keep doing it.

If we keep being passed on for a promotion and say nothing, it will keep happening.

If we let our partner treat us unkindly, it will keep happening.

All of it can keep happening, or worst, escalate in intensity.

What I invite you to contemplate today is your area of tolerance. What are you comfortable and what are you not?

For example, my definition of ‘late’ is 15 minutes after agreed meeting time. I prefer a message mentioning the delay by meeting time. Anything over 15 minutes after agreed time is officially late. Anything before 15 minutes is a delay that can be easily due to traffic, missed turn, wardrobe malfunction, long line at the coffee shop, etc.

Startup Stock Photos

That’s my area of tolerance when it comes to time and meetings. I put that system in place years ago, that’s what I’m comfortable with, that’s the level of productivity I want in my life, therefore, I collaborate with individuals that match my needs which is a source of great joy.

That’s the point after all, we want to feel happy and purposeful, it will happen with individuals we invite in our area of tolerance.

Another example dear to my heart is when someone projects their anger unto others in person, through text, email or phone call. I consider all emotions to be valid and we can experience all of them freely. I draw the line at projecting negative feelings without consideration for others. Taking it out on others is not ok in my book. Some things need not be shared, we can be pissed on our own time and process it at our leisure, that’s what adults do. Children have tantrums, adults manage and process. Which will you be?

angry

I therefore draw a very obvious line in communication and any misdirected negative emotion is addressed in a firm and kind way. I don’t want that in my life, period.

Not tolerating certain things in your life doesn’t mean we don’t accept others. It means we choose what we allow in our life, and what we don’t. We can accept that people get angry and not allow them in our experience. We can accept that individuals are at a different stage of growth but we don’t have to be close friends or collaborators.

Being intolerant of others’ differences is being scared of them. I’m not scared of angry individuals or people that run late more than I can take. I just don’t like it and I have a choice to keep it out of my life. We don’t have to like and understand everything and everybody, we do have the choice to accept our differences and surround ourselves with individuals that are a source of joy and comfort.

So, what will you tolerate today?

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Reach for the Greatest Version of Yourself!

Paola

 

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What’s on your bucket list?

A bucket list is not something to wait on when we’re older. A bucket list is something we nurture through out our life to allow ourselves to dream big and expand in our life.

One of my top goals as a coach is to empower women to break free of self limiting beliefs. It’s so counter productive to think small, why not think big?

As Maya Angelou said: “Don’t you know you’re a child of God?”

Greatness

I believe we can have anything our heart desires if we believe we can. Believe you can’t and you won’t, it’s that simple.

So today I invite you make a list of dreams, of things you want to do, become or have. You can start with a list of 10, or go straight to 100, you read that right, 100.

The point of the bucket list is to keep us in touch with our true desires and true self. It will also train your brain to spot what you’re looking for. The more you think about something, the more likely you are to recognize it when you see it. Think chocolate cake and all of a sudden you see chocolate everywhere!

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I invite you to write down your list with pen and paper, the idea connects to your brain more powerfully that way.

I then invite you to transfer that list to a virtual format so you can keep it updated. Replace every item you accomplish with a new one. The point is not to get to all the items all the time rather than training your brain to always be searching and being alert.

I also encourage you to read that list as often as possible, daily if you’d like. The more you do it, the more those items will come into your life. It seems magic but, really, it’s science. You’re training your brain to recognize what you’re looking for and for ways to get there. That’s it.

Not sure? Just try it and let me know what happens. I know it works because I do it all the time. I’d love to hear from you though, do share your experience with me πŸ™‚

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Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  Β  Reach for the Greatest Version of yourself!

Paola

 

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